Kenna & The King: Practically A Love Story, or, Larceny & Lechery
by chrisrose
Summary: King Henry will surely make her his - latest - official mistress soon. And he'll never tire of her. Kenna just knows it! Humor/Parody/Anti-Romance. Spoilers for episodes 1x01-1x05, set sometime during 1x04-1x05.


**Title:** Kenna & The King: Practically A Love Story, or, Larceny & Lechery

**Author:** C. Rosevere (chrisrose)

**Written:** Nov. 19, 2013

**Genre:** Humor/Parody

**Rating:** PG-13

**Spoilers:** Reign, episodes 1x01-1x05, set sometime around 1x04-1x05.

**Author's Note:** I won't even try to compete with the talented folks writing serious romance in Reign's fandom. Maybe, once in awhile, I'll write a little mockery of something instead. I want to dedicate this to my favorite Reign writer, larc501fan, (yup you're still my fav ;)) who hasn't seen or approved of this fic of mine in advance or anything (blame *me* if you think it sucks!) - but has been very kind and encouraging to me in general. It was great talking to you about the fun and fear of writing fanfiction. :)

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**KENNA & THE KING: PRACTICALLY A LOVE STORY, ****or, LARCENY & LECHERY**

**by: chrisrose**

\0/

Quietly, Kenna crept out of King Henry's bedchamber. The guards stationed outside his door carefully avoided making eye contact. They had been instructed to see, hear, and speak nothing of the King's midnight visitors. Or else.

Kenna smiled winningly, but the stubborn silly-heads wouldn't acknowledge her presence! Just stared straight ahead. How rude! Kenna thought to herself. She stuck her tongue out at them and flounced off.

She began making her way back to her far less majestic quarters. Oh, they were _alright_, for a lady-in-waiting, she supposed, but nothing compared to the luxurious surroundings she had just departed. Kenna recalled her evening, dreamily...

\0/

"My mistress just doesn't understand me," King Henry declared, in a tone of voice that might be considered whiny, if emanating from a mere commoner.

Kenna nodded sympathetically, watching her lover pace around the room. Where _does_ he find all that energy? She winced with some apprehension, hoping he wouldn't expect _her_ to be equally energetic... again.

Kenna stifled a yawn and snuggled deeper into the thickest mattress and the softest pillows she'd ever known. I wonder if I can get some pillows like this in _my_ room, she mused.

"You're such a good listener, Kenna, my sweet," the King said loudly, startling her. She smiled brightly, and sat up straighter in the bed.

"Not like that greedy old cow, Diane," Henry snarled. "Always jaunting off to Paris and spending my money and never sparing a thought for how I suffer. She _used_ to be a good listener, so attentive to my needs, but..."

His voice faded into the background as Kenna marvelled once more at the exquisitely opulent bedroom furnishings, beyond anything in her wildest dreams. Yes, it's good to be the King's Mistress, she pondered, running her hand lovingly over the silk sheets. Perhaps Henry has a spare set he can lend me! Kenna suppressed a giggle at her own foolishness. Well, of _course_ he does - he's the King of France, after all! Although I'm not officially his mistress yet, but I'm sure, any day now...

"Kenna?" Henry scowled, interrupting her pleasant thoughts. "_Are_ you listening?"

"Of course, dear!" she gave him her most adorable look, the one guaranteed to make men melt.

"Good. As I was saying - you understand me so well. You appreciate my situation. Catherine's continually breathing down my neck and questioning my judgment - fretting over our son's engagement to Mary. Listening to that charlatan, Nostradamus and making me look like a laughing-stock who can't control his wife. And now Diane's deserting me in my time of need and going on shopping sprees! As if I don't have enough to worry about with the constant threat to our borders. It takes money to outfit and feed so many troops, damn it!"

"I'll never desert you," Kenna murmured. "You can depend on me!"

She grabbed another pillow from Henry's side of the bed and shoved it behind her. There. Perfect! A shopping trip _would_ be nice, but Kenna could be patient. There was much wealth and entertainment to be had right here at Court. Kenna envisioned herself on King Henry's arm at a lavish party - in a brand new gown - and everyone looking envious as can be of her elevated status. How glorious!

"That's settled then," the King said. "I knew you'd understand and make no demands for new clothes and other such fripperies. And there's no need to go public with our little arrangement."

Kenna froze, wide-eyed and befuddled. Her hand hovered over the bedsheets, uncertainly. Surely he didn't mean...

"Why make things more difficult..." Henry must have noticed Kenna's pout. "..for _you_, my dear." he continued, "Catherine could make your life at Court quite unpleasant, you know. I'll see you tomorrow night," the King announced abruptly, his dismissal clear.

Kenna brightened. He _did_ care about her! And who knew when Diane might return from her shopping expedition? There was still plenty of time for Kenna to cement her position in the King's heart, and no doubt, formally take Diane's place.

Kenna gave the silk sheets one last fond caress, then slipped out of bed and skipped towards the door. Oh! She turned back, gave Henry a hasty kiss, then left.

Yes indeed, things were looking up. She had the King's confidence and trust, and must certainly be a better lover than Diane, despite her youthful inexperience. Kenna smirked in satisfaction. Soon she wouldn't have to wait on that _most_ demanding Queen of Scotland anymore. Well, to be fair, Mary never asked much of her ladies-in-waiting, but nevermind. Kenna only need answer to the King of France now! True, he might be a trifle more difficult to deal with than Mary The Meek, but Kenna knew she could handle it. Hadn't Henry just told her the other day how mature she was for her age?

\0/

Dropping down onto her inferior bed, Kenna tried to get comfortable. It was a futile attempt. Hmm. Maybe tomorrow night, if Henry would oblige her and fall asleep - she'd have to do her utmost to exhaust him - she could smuggle one of his pillows out to her own room!

Yes, Kenna thought happily, as she began to drift off - she would stick the pillow under her skirts. Why, what did it matter if Henry's stuffy old guards wondered at her abnormally enlarged appearance? They never paid her any notice anyway. And if gossip about Kenna's "condition" _should_ happen to circulate, so much the better! The King would _have_ to acknowledge her as his One True Love then... wouldn't he?

THE END

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**Author's Note #2:** I've been thinking about writing something mocking the epic romance of Kenna & The King since I rolled my eyes at their scenes a few episodes back. The way the showrunners apparently expect us to believe it's a real love story instead of your typical case of Kingly abuse of power and privilege. I laughed at Henry finding Kenna's flattery/advice so profound - why, maybe she'll make him a better man...where every other woman in his life has failed! - followed by the prelude-to-sex scene, which *really* tickled my funny bone, since Kenna was so impressed by the quality of the bedsheets - way to get lost in the moment there. Passion! Romance! Whatever. :P Then, in 1x05, Kenna irritated me with her attitude towards Mary, a little too eager to flaunt her supposed status and say, "I'm with the King now, so nuts to you!" Well, Kenna, I do feel sorry for you, 'cause you're a dumb kid who doesn't know any better, but...I'm gonna make fun of you anyway. **Disclaimer:** I exaggerated Kenna's childishness (to emphasize the rather disturbing age difference between her & Henry - isn't she underage, like Mary? I know they had different attitudes back then and I shouldn't judge by today's values...but bleh!) and her materialistic and dim-witted traits because...I'm mean? Well, that's why I'm calling it a parody. :) Sorry if you think it's out of character. Go read some of those great serious fics instead of my tongue-in-cheek nonsense. :)

**Update upon waking, later the same day:** I changed the title of the story slightly. I'm indecisive. I think it's better? Sorry for any confusion!


End file.
